Rule 1: Life is not fair -- get used to it!

Rule 2: The world won't care about your self-esteem. The world will
expect you to accomplish something BEFORE you feel good about yourself.

Rule 3: You will NOT make $60,000 a year right out of high school. You
won't be a vice-president with a car phone until you earn both.

Rule 4: If you think your teacher is tough, wait till you get a boss.

Rule 5: Flipping burgers is not beneath your dignity. Your Grandparents
had a different word for burger flipping -- they called it opportunity.

Rule 6: If you mess up, it's not your parents' fault, so don't whine
about your mistakes, learn from them.

Rule 7: Before you were born, your parents weren't as boring as they are
now. They got that way from paying your bills, cleaning your clothes and
listening to you talk about how cool you thought you are. So before you
save the rain forest from the parasites of your parent's generation, try
delousing the closet in your own room.

Rule 8: Your school may have done away with winners and losers, but life
HAS NOT. In some schools they have abolished failing grades and they'll
give you as MANY TIMES as you want to get the right answer. This doesn't
bear the slightest resemblance to ANYTHING in real life.

Rule 9: Life is not divided into semesters. You don't get summers off
and very few employers are interested in helping you FIND YOURSELF. Do
that on your own time.

Rule 10: Television is NOT real life. In real life people actually have
to leave the coffee shop and go to jobs.

Rule 11: Be nice to nerds. Chances are you'll end up working for one.

There were more rules as well, but this list is the famous 11. It does seem very direct, doesn't it? More like a reality check.

Good learning...Good listening...

Cheers - Mike

Welcome to the real world of emotional pain, which will take you on a course and direction hitherto not thought of or experienced until now.

The direction is unknown as is the purpose. It simply is.

This is where is gets interesting. There are no favorites anymore. Instead you have nothing to look forward to except for more pain.

You don't want that, right? Then start writing. Writing your thoughts about why the pain, what happened, when did it take place, perhaps who was involved. Eventually you will be able to say to yourself, I don't care anymore. Will the thoughts disappear? Nope. But they won't be the focus of your daily life anymore. People will notice the difference. But it is the only way to stay alive and have reasonable functionality. It is not nice or happy but it works. Eventually the edge wears off and you can function more normally, for you.
Unfortunately the hurt and pain never go away. You just forget what started or caused it. So yes, you can have pain without cause (you have actually forgotten the cause).

All hail Caesar. Tuesday is Wednesday. You are beaten down. You are like a robot. Things still get to you and bring you down even more. And you withdraw - into the only safe place left - you.

I cannot believe how messed up the world and its people are today, and this generation especially.

What is described above is going on every day for millions of people, with kids taking up the majority.

Help isn't near. There is no help. There are not enough people or shrinks in the world to help everyone. It is up to you.

How do you get out of the morass you've sunk into? Carefully. Don't scream and flail around. Deliberately focus on a safe landing and slowly and deliberately start in that direction. When you get there, which you will, examine your likes and dislikes and pick something completely new to like or get involved with. This new thing doesn't have the trappings and baggage attached to it, which only bogs you down, like some of your old things did in the past.

Does it get better? Oh yes. You don't think about it as much. You don't sigh about it as much. The person, event or place responsible for the pain in the first place, can be re-visited again.

This post is not supposed to be cruel. It is just the way it is for most people. You have to help yourself because, most of the time, no one else will help you.

On the plus side, you can get better. Positive thoughts and feelings can, and usually do, come back. Let's just say it happens to people who thought they were immune to this degree of sadness. It can happen to anyone, at anytime. And, sometimes it is something small which sets it off.

Again though, you CAN get over it. Time is important. Something broken needs time to mend. And help. If you can find help, you are a lucky one. You will heal so much more quickly.

Good luck with this particular feeling. Nobody wants to feel broken.

Get help - this is a really, really tough one to fight off...

Cheers - Mike

However some disappointments are so big, or happen one after the other to overwhelm us, and even the most optimistic person can get depressed. For how long? Well, that really depends on the person. If a person is easily mentally crushed then depression could happen soon and stay a while.
The key, for many people, which leads to depression is disappointment. Girlfriend-boyfriend, parent-child, friends, service industries, hospitals, clinics, store clerks, government agents or clerks and the list goes on. Disappointment could be someone being mean, or ignoring you, or not listening, or giving don't care/bad service or anything else which leads to expectations not being met. It could be shoddy finishing work on your car when you get it back from a shop, or it could be a damaged item being delivered, or something else like damage to something you value or like - which makes you feel that people don't care about you or your car or TV or house. The key here is feel. Your reaction, how you feel, is what counts. Sometimes you can shrug it off. Sometimes you cannot shrug it off. You internalize and a depression is underway.

For kids, there are a lot of disappointments over time - at school, playground, mall, home and with some friends. Sometimes you expect one thing and it just doesn't go right. Most disappointments don't lead to depression. But when they come fast and furious, well yes it can get very depressing. This can lead to blah - you don't want to do the activity or deal with the people that lead to the disappointment. This can lead to a number of risk activities and also leaving school.

When you are depressed, most people don't want to be around you. This could lead to further depression when alone so much.

Ok, we have some ideas why a depression can develop. Betrayed, let down, cheated, lied to, bad service/manners, can lead to feelings of disappointment - which can lead to depression.

Long term low level depression is hardly noticed by anyone else. It's just that you stop doing some things you did before, for "no apparent reason". You can be happy to the outside world and still be depressed. This can lead to "disorders" if left to itself long enough.

Now, how do we deal with it, depression and disappointment. For disappointment, talk with someone. The disappointment won't go away but it will be forgotten more easily and it will lose its value and focus. The depression will be gone as well.
For disappointment which is too big or personal to tell someone about, we need to let go. The disappointment will still be there, but we need to get past it. How to do that? Perhaps get involved in a new activity, project, person, place - well, hopefully you realize what is being said here. When you find yourself watching the same tv shows a lot, or playing the same games a lot, or hanging around the mall a lot, then you know it's time for a change. Get happy and excited about something new to you. Perhaps it will be just what you need, or are looking for. If so, you won't even notice that the depression is gone. It will simply be gone.

We are not talking life-threatening depression here. That has been talked about before. This is the general but important, possibly life-altering, disappointment and up and down health or depression.

Occasionally, only the passage of time can help fix a disappointment depression.

So students and adults, know that disappoint can happen almost anytime, is usually unexpected and is thought-consuming.
If you what-if situations beforehand you may be somewhat prepared for negative possibilities, but you won't be ready for everything. However it will help you understand that there are things or situations which may result in disappointment. Hopefully you won't be quite so vulnerable and even fragile when faced with them directly, or afterward when the import of the occasion result sinks in.

There is no relief for sadness like there is for anger. Sadness and depression usually go hand-in-hand. So we need to eliminate one or the other (or both). Time usually works for sadness. But if you don't have time to pass, then the alternative is to "get happy". No, not through the use (or misuse) of drugs or alcohol. No, instead go for a walk or drive or visit an old friend. Physical exertion (walk, jog, bike, etc.) does the same thing as anger. It helps get rid of tension and hormones brought on by the sadness in the first place. Get a good night of sleep and see what the new day brings. If you are in a good mind state, it should be good.

So, after reading all of this, you know disappointment depression and sadness can be overcome. That is the final key. Now you know it is not permanent. Smile, a bit. It's a start.

That's all for now...

Good listening...Good feeling...

Cheers - Mike

This story of a victim, who was a 17 year old girl, is one such happenstance. An article in the Edmonton Journal called, "Calgary man pleads guilty to murdering 17-year-old stepdaughter", briefly describes the crime - as, what happened to Brittney McInnes.

This is extreme. It ended in death. There are many more violent attacks that do not and the psychological damage, and sometimes physical damage, will last forever. Sometimes the motive is robbery. Sometimes revenge. Sometimes there is no apparent reason at all.

This story is a school yard robbery and bullying of an 11 year old child. He didn't want to return to school after the summer and killed himself on Labor day weekend. The boy's name is Mitchell Wilson and he was 11 years old.

This story is of a 17 year old girl who was killed in a motor vehicle crash after the vehicle she was a passenger in left the road and collided with trees. The story from the CBC is here.

A 10 year old girl was killed in a jet ski accident. An update from the Edmonton Journal is here. Emily Chaplin died in Okanagan Lake last summer.

Four different stories, but all kids. Death happens. But, did it have to happen? What of those left behind?

Here is a story of a kid who was going to kill herself, but didn't. This was a direct result of bullying. Here is the CBC story of the suicide box, from her mother.

How do we cope? Sometimes we don't. Not right away. Shock and feelings of anger or denial or loss or other reactions take place. Each person reacts differently. For some it is devastating and mind-numbing. For others who can rationalize the event and outcome and not be moved by it, there is no coping needed as there is no feeling, or response, at all. Most people fall somewhere in between. Some people can limp along emotionally until rescued and others cannot. So, how do we cope? First, I think, by understanding. And then by accepting. And then by helping others who are just going in circles. These words are easy to say, but very hard to do. Accepting the death of a young person is hard, especially for their friends and certainly for their siblings, parents and relatives. Again then, accept that it happened. This is not the time for blame, if any, or feeling of hate or ill will if the death was caused by another. This is accept. This person who dies, a son or daughter, will not be heard again, except in the digital memories you already have. There will be great sadness. Sometimes so much so that there is no escape. Coping usually is done with the help of others who can help direct and guide you. Can you cope on your own? Sure, if you have to, but you may not like the result. Can you get over the loss? Not really. But you can, and must, accept it happened and think of the good times, the good memories. If the loss of a child was a result of a failure in a process or system or belief, then perhaps getting involved to effect change for the better would be really good for your mind and body. It would be a remembrance and celebration of life for others to share.

It was easy to say coping is hard. There is no easy answer to how do you cope because we all react differently. I believe the word, react, is the operative word. How do we react in our normal world? Well? Not so well?

Our guide to sudden death of a person so young and full of life is SHOCK. Shock because it is sudden, and unexpected. We can normally deal with expected and definite, say over a period of months due to a terminal illness, upcoming death. Shock is not a part of the reaction to a long term expected death. Now we know that we have to deal with shock. It can be massive. However it is usually quick as seconds, minutes or, at most, hours. If the reaction is longer than that then perhaps shock has given way to an overload. A mental overload can evoke physical reactions like collapse or passing out. A mental overload can be demonstrated by mind-wandering, refusal to accept or believe, deny it happened, and other life-altering reactions.

How do we cope? By dealing with shock first. We don't realize it is shock. But our first reaction is usually shock. It must be dealt with first. Then we can actually think and act, instead of just react.

So we start coping. The process, or experience, can go on for quite a long period of time, again depending on the person. Most people can not do it, heal or cope, alone. This is when you find out who your true friends are. Sometimes professional help is actually required. Please see my previous articles (below) as well regarding help, and helpers.

I'll stop now...

Good talking...Good listening...

Cheers - Mike

A parent wrote to me last night and asked whether Alberta has anti-bullying laws. Well yes and no. Nothing officially to do specifically with bullying, although physical bullying could be considered assault and is covered by provincial and criminal code entries. However provincial student anti-bullying legislation, whether coming from other students or adults, is really non-existent at this point. If the new Education Act comes into being, then there will be legislation which expressly deals with bullying. at least to students. Workplace bullying still goes on of course and will continue to do so. The only remedy is to file a human right complaint, which may or may not cover the type or kind of bullying that is taking place. However, if you can't stand up for yourself, you've had it. Of course, some bullying is by whispering and innuendo and that is hard to fight, especially when you don't even know who started it. Sometimes bullying is out of revenge. That is hard to deal with because it won't go away either. Rather than having a third party try to deal with the problem, you may try to confront the bully directly. Then again, maybe not, depending on the circumstances. Here is a Government of Alberta resource to help address workplace bullying.

There is student-student anti-bullying legislation is many states and some provinces. I personally have not come across any legislation whatsoever which specifically addresses adult-student bullying.

A recent MacLeans article by the editors called, "Strict anti-bullying laws could actually make matters worse" does a nice job or reviewing where we are today after laws and school policies were introduced over the last ten years or so in many areas, especially in the US. It is from a Canadian perspective. It is not encouraging.

So how does all this help when a school child is whisper-bullied by sport authority men to a sport school because they want revenge through the child, to get even with his grandfather? It doesn't help. There is no remedy other than talking with school personnel and getting it straightened out, which works. However the damage is dome and revenge complete. There is no justice or law that covers this type of cowardly activity that I'm aware of at this time.

There is a hole in the system, but then there are so many holes in the system. If there were laws for every thing or slight a person could do, we would be drowning in laws and no one would know what to do or not do. Anarchy would reign, in my opinion.

To the child who did no wrong of his own, you are learning that the world is not fair and some people are mean and cowardly. However, you may want to try to right the wrong. Be a better person for it. Think about going to the school and be very, very good at what you do. Be better than they are. You can persevere. You can win. Don't play their game. If you do, they win. Take their rule book and chuck it. You can make your own. Be fair, be honest, be right (as much as you can be). Once you have a reputation for honesty (which matters so much to so many people), you will win no matter what you do in life. Especially after schooling is finished.

To the parent of this child, persevere too. Be smart about it.
So, what to do in the scenario above? Well, the law is out (because it isn't), however you could explain your side of the story in every newspaper and talk show in the country. There are indeed at least two sides to every story. You are entitled to yours. Just make sure your facts are straight and provable. You don't want to end up on the receiving end of a libel or slander lawsuit. I am saying you could - should you?

Good learning...Good listening...

Cheers - Mike

It was very good - 800 students from schools all over Edmonton from grade 1 to grade 12. Incredible performances were enjoyed by parents, school board trustees and even a few provincial politicians.

Many thanks to music teachers and students and parents. Also, thank you to the Edmonton Public School Board which helped the endeavor take place with funding and incredible support. The Master of Ceremonies was Dave Coburn, who did a very nice job of it.

Congratulations to all the students - you did a great job!

Good listening...Good learning...

Cheers - Mike

So you give your kid hell for a bad mark and of course do not give your kid a chance to explain it? Do you even acknowledge the good marks? No? Hmmm. Then you wonder why your child is grumpy, in a bad mood, depressed, un-involved, listless, does drugs, swears a lot, wants to beat someone up just to release the tension, et cetera. What is wrong with this picture? Well, you are.

The next time you chastise your child, balance it out with a great compliment. Or heck, just give them a compliment right out of the blue. That moment becomes an incredible WOW moment! Look at their face or eyes when you do - see the wonderful difference.

Have a heart, don't take yourself too seriously. As the old expression goes, no one else does.

Listen well, don't interrupt, understand...

Cheers - Mike

Theoren Fleury, Sheldon Kennedy, Todd Holt and Greg Gilhooly were involved as victims during their teens. Holt broke down while reading his victim impact statement in court on February 22nd in Winnipeg.

Really, there is no rest for sexual assault victims. There is no lessening of the pain. The experience screws the victim up for the rest of their life. They can learn to deal with it, but the memory, and more important, the feeling, didn't go away. A good, experienced helper/listener can make a big difference helping to bring the victim back on track, for the most part. The problem was, there were no listeners then. No one to help. Today there is. For your own mental, emotional and spiritual health and sanity, get started now. *Who do you tell? The number one choice is a "friend". The number two choice is "no one". Please don't make the second choice.

Please see the two newspaper articles for more. One article from the Edmonton Journal and the other is from CBC Edmonton.

The victims are STILL suffering!

Be careful out there. Remember, you can talk with someone these days! It's not like it was 10 or 20 or 30 years ago. You can tell someone today!

It is after the fact, isn't it? It has already happened to you. You feel like crap. There are many more words to describe the feeling but enough to say you do not feel good about yourself anymore.

Call for help now. Most police forces have a victim services unit. If that scares you, then call a specialized help line, like the Kids Help Phone 1-800-668-6868. Waiting only makes it worse.

Please see this previous post, called "Learning: after Child Sexual Assault" and this one called, "Sadness: I Don't Want to be Sad Anymore" as well.

Watch out - for yourself - and for others...

Cheers - Mike

* Said by Faron Gogo, the Youth Engagement Coordinator for Youth Net in Ontario, to a group of students during a stop bullying presentation.