Learning: after Child Sexual Assault

This story of a male nurse assaulting two boys, aged 11 and 13 is representative of what is happening to children day after day after day.

This blog entry is not about the nurse, it is about the boys, and all children who are sexually assaulted, raped; during what is supposed to be their age of innocence.
The father of the 13 year old boy is quoted as saying that, "...his son has been scarred for life".
A Calgary Police official is quoted as saying, "[Both victims] are certainly shaken by what has happened and certainly experienced something that no child should ever endure...".

NOT OK!

The article is written as if the kids are things, objects. Every article I have read is the same. See this article about the assault of 2 boys aged 7 and 8 at the time.

The lengths which one father took after his son was kidnapped and assaulted is documented in a video which shows the father killing the abductor. A Google search for "Father of Kidnapped Son gets Revenge" will show a YouTube link to the video.

But - all of this is still not about the boys or girls who are now emotionally scarred.

About the only thing we know is that each child survived, physically. Emotionally and mentally for some, dead. Look at the eyes. Existing without living. For other kids who have not died in their minds and hearts, they get trapped at the age that the assault took place. They mature but emotionally don't move on, cannot move on. For a few, they can move on, after a lot of help from the right people at the right time.

Some of the victims stop caring - about anything. They exist, acknowledge others, appear "normal" and do not care. Some victims turn to hurting themselves by starving or cutting or other harmful activity that will focus their pain to achieve relief, however temporary. Some victims turn to drugs, alcohol or sleeping pills to help dull and blur the emotional pain. Some victims just fake it and hurt all their lives, allowing no one to see them as they really are - in pain. Relationships are usually not deep enough to last. Some victims kill themselves - they simply don't want to feel the pain for another day, another hour, another minute. This can evoke an incredible sadness, leading others to do the same, or eventually exhibit some of the same behaviors of the original victimized child. The death of this child is needless and shatters the lives of all around who knew the child. Loss and sorrow, deep and pervasive, will haunt the survivors of this child.

The child - the boy or girl - what about them now? Why didn't they call for help, or maybe they did but it was not acknowledged. We won't know. We will just know that another child died - of hurt and pain that they could not deal with - and perhaps their death could have been prevented. Help must be now, not tomorrow or next week, or when convenient for others.

So, what about all of these victims? No - they are just kids - children! Remember that - innocent children!

Oh right, we never hear about them again. Buried. Forgotten. Not newsworthy.
Are there people and agencies who can help? You bet! But perhaps we need to become aware of the terrible consequences of what has happened to the victimized kids and their families. Perhaps this can be done through a series of articles in local newspapers. Then, maybe, fewer kids will be victimized.

How does all of this relate to Learning? Well, learning can actually stop completely. Learning can taper off due to lack of interest, not wanting to be there, not important anymore, no one else understands, ashamed to tell but want to, not innocent anymore while class-mates are, and on and on.
Some teachers can catch on, some cannot. Having your daughter or son molested at an early age is not usually something that is passed along, to anyone outside the immediate family.
How to cope? For the child, expert help is really needed. For the teacher, guidance is needed. For the father or mother, guidance and help is needed. What is being said here is that "help" is "needed". Not just a nicety, but actually needed, sometimes desperately needed. Helping your child to learn to cope is big.

Are there any easy answers or solutions? No.

Is the sexually assaulted boy or girl scarred for life? Yes.

Do we know what "scarred for life" means? It means all the behaviors mentioned above and much more. Withdrawal is a really big (in your face) symptom, shared by many survivors of sexual assault. Emotional and relational withdrawal. Another common symptom is, being very obedient or not obedient at all.
There are as many signs as there are emotionally scarred children. But there are similar behavioral characteristics between many children who suffered sexual exploitation or assault.

We can normally fix something once we understand it. But there is no fix so far. Perhaps we really don't understand it. We see the after-effects, yes. We haven't been able to stem the tide.

The kids need help from their peers who have also suffered the same way or with similar feelings and who have accepted the fact and healed as much as possible.

Has every helper experienced everything? No. So can they say "I understand"? No, not always. They can say, "please talk to me, I will listen".

From the pages of Critical Incident Stress (CIS) debriefings and Post Traumatic Stress Disorder counseling sessions, we know that it is very helpful if the peers (of any age) have experienced the same job stressors or avocation stressors as the person who needs help.
So for children, even though the age difference between "helper" and child may be great, it should not be significant if the "helper" has experienced some of the same "feelings" or "experiences" as the child in emotional turmoil who needs help.

Sometimes the parents need more help than the child. Sometimes the parents make it worse for the child.
For the child, the shock is over. For the parent it is just beginning - and the parent will experience all the symptoms of shock. But much more as well. Guilt is a big one. Guilt - not being able to protect their own child - son or daughter. Knowing that their son or daughter is damaged. There is no going back. No, I wish it was different...
So many parents cry themselves to sleep because of it - the CIS, the eyes of their child, the emotional ups and downs, the courts, the police, hospital examinations, family, friends, and the accused.
The child with wet eyes going to sleep exhausted, and medicated.

The whole family - lives changed forever - trying. Don't give up! Please don't give up. Your child is counting on you. You are the only thing between sanity and death. Death of mind, body or spirit. Parents, family, don't give up. Keep believing, keep hoping - and pass your belief and hope to your child!

Your child - your son or daughter - needs you so desperately. Your child needs to "believe" that you don't dislike them, that it wasn't their fault, that they are not guilty of "something", that they are worth more than before because they survived, that they matter, that they are good, that they deserve to live and be ok, that they are not marked, that they are not different now (more life "experience" yes, but still the same child they were before, that they are still loved, that they are still wanted.....
Parents - support your child! Your child cannot support you at this time!
_____

Child - boy or girl - this is to you.
In some ways you are not a child anymore, but just in some ways. I am not minimizing what happened. No, it happened, it matters, it will be remembered. BUT, where you need help is to remember without re-living it. Whoa - how is that? There, is an answer. It is not the cure-all. It is the start of healing. You must start - to be yourself again. Can you be yourself again? Yes, with a bit of a different outlook than you had before. Sometimes you will just gaze off into the distance, and then be back to your surroundings in an instant. Will you be different? Yes, by being aware of some things that you were not aware of before. It is another day now and what you experienced is very personal and both physical and emotional. Can you forget it? No, but over time you won't have to re-live it. For your survival, you need to get through the next few weeks. There are people who love you and care whether you live or die. Remember that when you're down. Find a hug-person in your family. That is, one who will give you a big hug, whenever you want or need it, without question or even saying anything. You need it, and believe it or not, they need it too.
What did you lose? A part of childhood, innocence and trust. Trusting those around you, and strangers, will affect you for a long time. You were left in the care and trust of another. Your parents trusted another. How can you trust another person again? You won't for a while. The only reason you "trust" your family is because you know them so well. But even at that it is hard. Words and phrases said aloud have new meaning. Confusion reigns. It will take time to even out your emotions and trust another, even a little bit, again. For your own health, you must try. Don't close up completely. How can anyone help you if you do?

Do you sleep with the light on? Do you sleep with the door closed and locked? Do you jump when you hear or feel an unexpected sound (not loud, just unexpected)? How is your self-confidence? Do you have feelings of guilt? Do you have feelings of resentment? Do you have feelings of anger? If someone says your name, how do you respond? If someone is looking at you, what do you do or say or feel? Do you sigh a lot? Are you sad most of the time? Do you feel lonely? Do you feel hopeless? Do you "feel" at all anymore? Do you spend a lot of time in your room, perhaps pretending to be reading a book? Do you go for walks alone? Do you "chill" with anyone? Do you clench your fists a lot? Are you getting pain in each side of your neck?

You need help. Will you take help if it is offered?

If help is not offered, call for help. A total stranger will answer. Try not to be afraid. Talk - explain why you are calling. That will be one of the hardest things you ever do. Let the person who answers the phone help you. You have control. Please let them help you, as much as you can accept. If you feel you need to talk with someone again, call again.
Kids Help Phone 1-800-668-6868

My sincerest wish is that you survive, and can smile a great smile again.

Cheers - Mike

Added 12-02-01 - I found this and must share it with you, with my emphasis. I found it here.
You need help. Therapy is key, but there has to be “an end.” Abuse happened in time and there should also be a resolution in time. There will be lasting affects and things that become an intrinsic part of who you are, but abuse and the pain of it should not be a lifetime sentence. Find somebody that can give you help with a discernable “end.” ...