Learning: after Child Sexual Assault

This story of a male nurse assaulting two boys, aged 11 and 13 is representative of what is happening to children day after day after day.

This blog entry is not about the nurse, it is about the boys, and all children who are sexually assaulted, raped; during what is supposed to be their age of innocence.
The father of the 13 year old boy is quoted as saying that, "...his son has been scarred for life".
A Calgary Police official is quoted as saying, "[Both victims] are certainly shaken by what has happened and certainly experienced something that no child should ever endure...".

NOT OK!

The article is written as if the kids are things, objects. Every article I have read is the same. See this article about the assault of 2 boys aged 7 and 8 at the time.

The lengths which one father took after his son was kidnapped and assaulted is documented in a video which shows the father killing the abductor. A Google search for "Father of Kidnapped Son gets Revenge" will show a YouTube link to the video.

But - all of this is still not about the boys or girls who are now emotionally scarred.

About the only thing we know is that each child survived, physically. Emotionally and mentally for some, dead. Look at the eyes. Existing without living. For other kids who have not died in their minds and hearts, they get trapped at the age that the assault took place. They mature but emotionally don't move on, cannot move on. For a few, they can move on, after a lot of help from the right people at the right time.

Some of the victims stop caring - about anything. They exist, acknowledge others, appear "normal" and do not care. Some victims turn to hurting themselves by starving or cutting or other harmful activity that will focus their pain to achieve relief, however temporary. Some victims turn to drugs, alcohol or sleeping pills to help dull and blur the emotional pain. Some victims just fake it and hurt all their lives, allowing no one to see them as they really are - in pain. Relationships are usually not deep enough to last. Some victims kill themselves - they simply don't want to feel the pain for another day, another hour, another minute. This can evoke an incredible sadness, leading others to do the same, or eventually exhibit some of the same behaviors of the original victimized child. The death of this child is needless and shatters the lives of all around who knew the child. Loss and sorrow, deep and pervasive, will haunt the survivors of this child.

The child - the boy or girl - what about them now? Why didn't they call for help, or maybe they did but it was not acknowledged. We won't know. We will just know that another child died - of hurt and pain that they could not deal with - and perhaps their death could have been prevented. Help must be now, not tomorrow or next week, or when convenient for others.

So, what about all of these victims? No - they are just kids - children! Remember that - innocent children!

Oh right, we never hear about them again. Buried. Forgotten. Not newsworthy.
Are there people and agencies who can help? You bet! But perhaps we need to become aware of the terrible consequences of what has happened to the victimized kids and their families. Perhaps this can be done through a series of articles in local newspapers. Then, maybe, fewer kids will be victimized.

How does all of this relate to Learning? Well, learning can actually stop completely. Learning can taper off due to lack of interest, not wanting to be there, not important anymore, no one else understands, ashamed to tell but want to, not innocent anymore while class-mates are, and on and on.
Some teachers can catch on, some cannot. Having your daughter or son molested at an early age is not usually something that is passed along, to anyone outside the immediate family.
How to cope? For the child, expert help is really needed. For the teacher, guidance is needed. For the father or mother, guidance and help is needed. What is being said here is that "help" is "needed". Not just a nicety, but actually needed, sometimes desperately needed. Helping your child to learn to cope is big.

Are there any easy answers or solutions? No.

Is the sexually assaulted boy or girl scarred for life? Yes.

Do we know what "scarred for life" means? It means all the behaviors mentioned above and much more. Withdrawal is a really big (in your face) symptom, shared by many survivors of sexual assault. Emotional and relational withdrawal. Another common symptom is, being very obedient or not obedient at all.
There are as many signs as there are emotionally scarred children. But there are similar behavioral characteristics between many children who suffered sexual exploitation or assault.

We can normally fix something once we understand it. But there is no fix so far. Perhaps we really don't understand it. We see the after-effects, yes. We haven't been able to stem the tide.

The kids need help from their peers who have also suffered the same way or with similar feelings and who have accepted the fact and healed as much as possible.

Has every helper experienced everything? No. So can they say "I understand"? No, not always. They can say, "please talk to me, I will listen".

From the pages of Critical Incident Stress (CIS) debriefings and Post Traumatic Stress Disorder counseling sessions, we know that it is very helpful if the peers (of any age) have experienced the same job stressors or avocation stressors as the person who needs help.
So for children, even though the age difference between "helper" and child may be great, it should not be significant if the "helper" has experienced some of the same "feelings" or "experiences" as the child in emotional turmoil who needs help.

Sometimes the parents need more help than the child. Sometimes the parents make it worse for the child.
For the child, the shock is over. For the parent it is just beginning - and the parent will experience all the symptoms of shock. But much more as well. Guilt is a big one. Guilt - not being able to protect their own child - son or daughter. Knowing that their son or daughter is damaged. There is no going back. No, I wish it was different...
So many parents cry themselves to sleep because of it - the CIS, the eyes of their child, the emotional ups and downs, the courts, the police, hospital examinations, family, friends, and the accused.
The child with wet eyes going to sleep exhausted, and medicated.

The whole family - lives changed forever - trying. Don't give up! Please don't give up. Your child is counting on you. You are the only thing between sanity and death. Death of mind, body or spirit. Parents, family, don't give up. Keep believing, keep hoping - and pass your belief and hope to your child!

Your child - your son or daughter - needs you so desperately. Your child needs to "believe" that you don't dislike them, that it wasn't their fault, that they are not guilty of "something", that they are worth more than before because they survived, that they matter, that they are good, that they deserve to live and be ok, that they are not marked, that they are not different now (more life "experience" yes, but still the same child they were before, that they are still loved, that they are still wanted.....
Parents - support your child! Your child cannot support you at this time!
_____

Child - boy or girl - this is to you.
In some ways you are not a child anymore, but just in some ways. I am not minimizing what happened. No, it happened, it matters, it will be remembered. BUT, where you need help is to remember without re-living it. Whoa - how is that? There, is an answer. It is not the cure-all. It is the start of healing. You must start - to be yourself again. Can you be yourself again? Yes, with a bit of a different outlook than you had before. Sometimes you will just gaze off into the distance, and then be back to your surroundings in an instant. Will you be different? Yes, by being aware of some things that you were not aware of before. It is another day now and what you experienced is very personal and both physical and emotional. Can you forget it? No, but over time you won't have to re-live it. For your survival, you need to get through the next few weeks. There are people who love you and care whether you live or die. Remember that when you're down. Find a hug-person in your family. That is, one who will give you a big hug, whenever you want or need it, without question or even saying anything. You need it, and believe it or not, they need it too.
What did you lose? A part of childhood, innocence and trust. Trusting those around you, and strangers, will affect you for a long time. You were left in the care and trust of another. Your parents trusted another. How can you trust another person again? You won't for a while. The only reason you "trust" your family is because you know them so well. But even at that it is hard. Words and phrases said aloud have new meaning. Confusion reigns. It will take time to even out your emotions and trust another, even a little bit, again. For your own health, you must try. Don't close up completely. How can anyone help you if you do?

Do you sleep with the light on? Do you sleep with the door closed and locked? Do you jump when you hear or feel an unexpected sound (not loud, just unexpected)? How is your self-confidence? Do you have feelings of guilt? Do you have feelings of resentment? Do you have feelings of anger? If someone says your name, how do you respond? If someone is looking at you, what do you do or say or feel? Do you sigh a lot? Are you sad most of the time? Do you feel lonely? Do you feel hopeless? Do you "feel" at all anymore? Do you spend a lot of time in your room, perhaps pretending to be reading a book? Do you go for walks alone? Do you "chill" with anyone? Do you clench your fists a lot? Are you getting pain in each side of your neck?

You need help. Will you take help if it is offered?

If help is not offered, call for help. A total stranger will answer. Try not to be afraid. Talk - explain why you are calling. That will be one of the hardest things you ever do. Let the person who answers the phone help you. You have control. Please let them help you, as much as you can accept. If you feel you need to talk with someone again, call again.
Kids Help Phone 1-800-668-6868

My sincerest wish is that you survive, and can smile a great smile again.

Cheers - Mike

Added 12-02-01 - I found this and must share it with you, with my emphasis. I found it here.
You need help. Therapy is key, but there has to be “an end.” Abuse happened in time and there should also be a resolution in time. There will be lasting affects and things that become an intrinsic part of who you are, but abuse and the pain of it should not be a lifetime sentence. Find somebody that can give you help with a discernable “end.” ...

Learn well students - you will need it in our future. Most of all, be adept at adapting. It will become an essential skill.

Have a look at this excellent article called, "ARE YOU ADEPT AT ADAPTING?" by David Bowman.

Here is an excerpt:
"May you live in interesting times," has been a toast offered to good friends for hundreds of years. However, never have times been more interesting than now.

Interesting, yes. Comfortable, perhaps no - at least for many of us - because today, the word "interesting" often is equivalent to the word "change." And, some are not comfortable with change.

Please read the rest of the article. Hopefully, it will give you hope and a possible plan for your future.

Good learning...Good reading...

Cheers - Mike

Here is the announcement, released January 10th, of the result of consultations with Albertans which started back last November, shortly after the cabinet ministers were re-assigned ministries. Thomas Lukaszuk became Minister of Education, following Dave Hancock. The original notice of the consultations is here (Our Children, Our Future: Getting It Right).

Click this title for the official news release: Education Act consultations lead to 10-point plan

Legislation will be introduced in spring; work on other projects begins shortly

Edmonton... Thousands of Albertans shared their ideas in recent consultations about education. Ideas raised in those sessions, as well as conversations with parent councils and education stakeholders, will form the basis for future legislation and prompted the development of a 10-point plan for Alberta’s education system.

“Parents, teachers, students and others have given me two types of advice: philosophical approaches that are best addressed in legislation and practical solutions to the challenges students face every day. Legislation will come forward in the spring, and work on practical steps will begin immediately,” said Thomas Lukaszuk, Minister of Education.

Seven full-day community meetings between November 26 and December 9 were attended by 1,130 Albertans. Participants included students, parents, teachers and education assistants, aides or support staff. Five Speak Out student forums were also held. In addition to the meetings, Albertans told government about their priorities by phone, through a website, by e-mail and regular mail, and through social media.

“Our intent for the consultation was to hear from those who may not have had an opportunity to share their vision for the Alberta education system. I want to extend my appreciation and a personal thank you to everyone who participated,” said Lukaszuk. “The feedback from parents, students and teachers leaves me no doubt that this review was the right thing to do.”

All thoughts and suggestions Albertans provided are now being analyzed, and will be considered during the drafting of new legislation to govern Alberta’s education system, which will be introduced in the Legislature in spring 2012.

“The quality of the input was remarkable and the ideas generated from this consultation will shape a revised bill that reflects the innovation and leadership Albertans expect from their education system,” said Lukaszuk.

The 10 new initiatives will be rolled out in the months ahead. Some are trial projects which may provide important lessons about efficiencies and better results and some may become longer term practices. Others will require formal policy consideration by government.

The 10-point plan for education includes:

* Reducing travel time for students who spend more than one hour on a bus and enabling students to better use technology when they travel.
* Creating more opportunities for students to earn credits in high school and post-secondary at the same time.
* Updating school design specifications to better support communities.
* Co-ordinating building playgrounds and new schools.
* Reducing the administrative burden for charter schools.
* Supporting First Nations students by working more closely with the federal government.
* Creating a stronger voice for parents in the education system.
* Providing better information to increase the transparency, clarity and accountability of the education system.
* Reviewing provincial achievement tests.
* Examining the operational requirements of full-day kindergarten.

“Albertans want the best possible learning opportunities and experiences for our students. Government’s commitment to revised legislation and this 10-point plan will make a real difference for students today and into the future,” said Lukaszuk.

Backgrounder: 10-point plan for education
Media inquiries may be directed to:
Karin Campbell
Education Communications
780-644-5591
780-221-3199 (cell)
karin.campbell@gov.ab.ca
To call toll free within Alberta dial 310-0000.

Backgrounder
January 10, 2012

10-point plan for education

As part of the government’s commitment to education, 10 new initiatives will be launched in the months ahead:

Practical improvements to enhance students’ experiences

* Reducing travel times for students who spend more than one hour on a bus will help improve the school experience. A trial project in one school division will identify bus route efficiencies and improve transportation services. Another trial will look at enabling students to better use technology when they travel.
* Creating more opportunities for students to earn credits in high school and post-secondary programs at the same time will help them be successful in their chosen career. A provincial dual credit strategy will be developed to help school boards develop stronger programs. Separately, a new project will provide apprenticeship training to teachers so they are better equipped to teach advanced dual credit courses in Career & Technology Studies.
* Updating design specifications will mean government can better support communities when we build new schools. New school design specifications will better accommodate health-related services, community sports programs, and wheelchair access.
* Developing a better process for building playgrounds at the same time as new schools will mean that children can be active sooner.

Stronger partnerships to set the right foundation for the future

* Reducing the administrative burden for established, effective charter schools will mean that they can focus on their students.
* Working with the federal government will better co-ordinate support for First Nations students. Our focus will be on enhancing literacy and numeracy skills, with a focus on students in Northland and band schools adjacent to Northlands.
* Creating a stronger voice for parents in the education system will supplement the work of school councils. Working with the Alberta School Councils’ Association, new initiatives will be developed to strengthen parental input and new materials will support the department’s online interaction with parents.
* Providing better information about what the school system is doing, accomplishing, and spending will increase transparency, clarity and accountability. More efficient and relevant reporting from school boards will help identify information and ways to present it that are useful for Albertans.

Reviews to set the stage for future decisions

* Reviewing provincial achievement tests, first so that we can find better ways to understand how students, schools, and the system are doing and then so we can use that knowledge to improve students’ success. The review will be launched by spring 2012, and provincial tests will continue for students in grades 3, 6 and 9 until the review is complete and any resulting changes are made.
* Reviewing the learning benefits of full-day kindergarten and identifying operational issues will help us better understand the implications of a possible future programming change.

Education Act Consultation by the numbers:

* All Albertans had the opportunity to provide their thoughts and ideas through a number of channels - online, through email, by phone, regular mail and social media options.

* 1,130 Albertans attended 7 public meetings between November 26 and December 9 in locations across the province.

* 147 students (aged 14-19) attended 5 Speak Out sessions and 220 posts were logged by students on the Speak Out website.

* 754 emails were sent to the Minister and department.

* 280 pieces of mail were received, including letters and drawings from students.

* 766 posts online to education.alberta.ca/engage.

* Additionally, Albertans shared many ideas and engaged in conversations about the future of education online via Facebook and Twitter.
________________________________________________
January 3, 2012
Education Act consultation ends January 8th
Results will inform education legislation in the spring
Edmonton... Albertans have until January 8 to comment on new education legislation for the province.

Since November 22, 2011 students, parents, teachers and other members of the public have been encouraged to provide input on how to improve Alberta’s education system through the Our Children, Our Future: Getting it Right public consultation.

The consolidated input will be taken into account as new education legislation is developed for the spring 2012 legislative session. If passed, this legislation will govern Alberta’s education system from the first day of kindergarten through to graduation.

“Education is a priority of this government and I need input from people of all ages and backgrounds to ensure this new legislation reflects the values and priorities that Albertans place on their education system,” said Education Minister Thomas Lukaszuk.

People are encouraged to provide ideas on Alberta’s education legislation.
________________________________________________

I sincerely hope these initiatives will succeed.

By the way, I really like what is taking place and wish Minister Lukaszuk the best in attaining these goals.

Good learning...Good teaching...

Cheers - Mike

PS: If the Minister wants any help, I would be pleased to lend a hand...

Lost in Schooling - Special Education won't be able to keep up.

iPads are required for some courses at the University of Alberta.

Can the special ed kid use it?

Can the special ed kid go to university?

The province wants all kids to have the opportunity to complete grade 12, no matter how long it takes. That's good that they have the opportunity through special education, which is provided at most schools.

In Alberta, educating students with special education needs in inclusive settings is the first placement option to be considered by school boards in consultation with parents and, when appropriate, students.

Inclusion, by definition, refers not merely to setting but to specially designed instruction and support for students with special education needs in regular classrooms and neighbourhood schools.

This document outlines the requirements for school boards regarding the delivery of education programming and services to students with special education needs in grades 1–12. These requirements are organized into the following four areas:

* Access — students with special education needs are entitled to have access in a school year to an education program in accordance with the School Act . Students with special education needs receive adapted or modified programming that enables and improves learning.
* Appropriateness — educational programming and services are designed around the assessed needs of the student and are provided by qualified staff who are knowledgeable and skilled.
* Accountability — the obligation to answer for the execution of one’s assigned responsibilities.
* Appeals — timely, fair and open processes protect the rights of students and parents and address differences of opinion about the education of students with special education needs.

Taken from the Standards for Special Education, Amended June 2004

For more information, read the complete Standards for Special Education document on Alberta Educations' website.

But, what comes after high school?

Good learning...

Cheers - Mike

This may be the last post about bullying and suicide for a while. It is too painful to see it, and more, understand it. "Understand it" is a big statement - yes, I do understand.

The "night" for many people is all the time. I think by the time you get to the end of this post you will see the hidden.

This is a brutal look at the result of school violence, home violence, emotionally berated, and any other way to make a person feel bad and have power over them. So many people are victims, children as victims - who cannot protect themselves. They do not have the knowledge or experience to do so. But they have the experience and knowledge of violence to themselves. In some cases, they know nothing else.

Education in the home environment is not really an option, now or ever. Yes, there are ads on radio and TV and the occasional billboards. There are many informational websites, but they will not be visited by these uncaring and vicious parents and "care" givers.

In school, there are more programs for kids. There is school and local, state/provincial/federal anti-bullying legislation. Most of these "laws" DO NOT WORK. Intelligent school presentations/lectures by educators who specialize in cause and consequence of bullying are effective. For a while. Reinforcement of the message is desperately needed, but not recognized as needed.

A chance of hope exists. Students are "starting" to recognize the possible dire result of bullying. There are always bullies who just don't care - now or ever. But the kids who just weren't thinking before, are thinking now - of others, and how they feel.

I am going to show you the result of PAIN - STOPPING THE PAIN!

The ONE single thread through all of the kids who commit suicide is ending the pain.

If you don't want to feel, don't want to cry, don't want to act - read this post no further.

From YouTube, where so many have created tributes to those close to them, who have killed themselves because they wanted the pain to STOP.

Suicide Note written by my little sister, Raven.

A Real Attempted Suicide Note

My little girls suicide note.

She was Bullied to death R.I.P

This all goes back to my premise that to make the pain go away, forever, you kill yourself. Intervention is possible - if - someone who is trusted is told. The healing process cannot normally be done alone. Survive alone, yes. Heal alone, no.

Again, We must be more conscious of others actions and tell-tale signs of emotional problems. It is very hard to do. The signs are usually quite well hidden.. But try, we must.

Back to education. Not the "normal" school education but more the education of mind and body as part of a group of peers, who actually care about each other.

I hope we can turn the tide someday.

Good learning...Good feeling...

Cheers - Mike